RIP this blog

this blog is done, I've moved over to a new blog site. It's going to be bigger and better.

here's the link www.mychatbubble.wordpress.com

A realization

So here's what I've realized:
A) I do what I want
B) I'm a better person
C) I've been an ass about girls

The third part is why I'm writing this. I've realized that lately all I want to do is to try to "get some" by whatever chick I can get. I've lied to so many girls recently and now I just feel guilty. I've lied for the above reason and because I really don't want them to be crushed by rejection, because I know what it's like to be rejected. I know the girls that I've been talking to will never see this, but I just hate how I've been such an ass hole guy, and yet this is what I wanted to be a couple months ago just so I could get a girlfriend.

I've realized a lot about the workings of girls through this phase in my life. I realized that girls don't really check out guys. I found out who are psycho before meeting them. Who are going to be pretty decent. I've found out alot, yet I can't get a girlfriend, why? Because I haven't been putting myself out there. I've realized that to find someone, you go to parties, events, activities, not the mall, bowling alley. The latter places are horrible to find people because the environment isn't the "lets date" energy, it's more, let's hang with friends/bowl/watch a movie/shop.

Today, I tell all the girls what I really think, even if I loose a possible friendship along the way.

-Phil

I'm independently dependent

So life so far is been... well normal. My schedule either consists of work all day or seeing friends/ doing things I've wanted to do but never had the time to. I am still single, though down, I keep head up and I'm pretty proud that I have stayed this strong so far.

So I realized a couple nights that even though I'm over a certain someone, I still do have feelings for them. I have no idea where it came from and I really don't want them anymore. I don't know if she'll read this blog post, but whatever. I don't want them mainly because I know there's no chance, if there was, whole new story, but until then, no I don't want them at all. Now that that's done.

I've come to realize how dependent I am of things, and in turn has made me hate loneliness. I've always wanted a mentor-type figure, I've always wanted to be in a group, and I've always wanted to have a girlfriend. I realized this is another reason why I usually use the words/phrases "I guess" "I think so" "I'm not to sure but..." and its because if I am wrong, it's just me, and I doubt myself because I have no one else backing me up. I'm overcoming it by eliminating those words from my speech and to believe in myself more. If I can't believe in myself, how will I know what myself is?

Well that's all that's on my mind right now.

-Phil

"Hey, I put some new shoes on and suddenly everything's right"

-Paolo Nutini "New Shoes"

Lately I've been feeling really different, I feel like a new person. I'm doing more for me, I'm not sad anymore, I'm working out for once and getting some sort of results. It's funny now that I'm writing this all down I totally forget what I was going to say on the subject.

But one thing that has hugely helped is the book/movie "The Secret" which I now live off of on a day to day basis. In short the "secret" is the law of attraction which states that if you have a thought, you attract like physical manifestations of that thought. For example, if you have a really good day, your significant other might pick you up out of the blue. It's something that helped me get over Brittany, do better in school, being a better person. For once I can look into a mirror and say that I'm proud of myself. This law of attraction always works even when you don't think about it. Watch the movie or pick up the book, there's so much to say about that I can't even put to words.

Well, I'm pretty tired so I'm gonna go, but I'm going to start writing out blog posts on paper and writing something really good next time.

-Philippe 'Frágil'

College is finally done!

So the college semester is finally over and all the stress I had over it is finally gone. For once, the stress was just so much, I really just lost it. I did some pretty crappy things to my friends and I really feel bad about it. So, I feel that I am nearing the end of me getting over Brittany. I have basically deleted her from my life and considering I'll never see her again, it's pretty exciting, but I am feeling the aftermath of the breakup on me. I don't see girls the same way anymore, girls that I would think are hot are just alright now, or some girls that I would think would be good girlfriends I think are going to be bitches to me. It's annoying, and I'll stop blogging about it now.

So I've been writing some things down on what I want to do this summer. Here's what I have so far:

• learn Spanish
• refine my French
• work out
• train capoeira more
• start doing free running/parkour and breakdancing
• learn Brazilian Portuguese

I know it's alot, but they all have a purpose, and some work hand in hand which is really nice. I also want to find a second job. My work is cutting hours, laying people off, and so far, we're going to keep closing at 6. Since I work so little hours, I'm going to work as close as I can to full time, then get another job.

One thing I might try to do is go to France over the summer, I've been dying to go and I've never really had the money to go, so hopefully with the money I'll be able to go.

Well who knows, well I have to go for now, but you can all be rest assured that I am doing 100 times better.

Sorry about not updating

College is about to end, so I'm going to let that end, then write a big blog entry.

Past plans might become a reality...

I have no idea what I'm gonna do...

And I feel kinda find about it....

-Phil

When the door shuts, it's like another papercut...

I've been playing this song like crazy the past couple days and it's just reminding me of my last relationship and how I'm going to forget it, and yet the more I try and forget it, I learn more about it from others, and it hurts, kinda like a paper cut.

It's odd, when Brit and I were dating, I feel like there was song in the back of my mind playing, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Playing this song makes it clear, it was this song.

The stress of school and this whole "paper cut" thing is just all really starting to get to me. I am freaking out, I'm stressing more than I ever have. I just feel like I'm going to fall and never get up. I have 2 papers due on Monday, and a Java project due Tuesday and part 2 on Thursday.

On May 16th, I'm doing something that night. I just want to fucking forget this whole semester. It has brought me nothing but pain.

Well, that's it for now
-Phil