RIP this blog

this blog is done, I've moved over to a new blog site. It's going to be bigger and better.

here's the link www.mychatbubble.wordpress.com

A realization

So here's what I've realized:
A) I do what I want
B) I'm a better person
C) I've been an ass about girls

The third part is why I'm writing this. I've realized that lately all I want to do is to try to "get some" by whatever chick I can get. I've lied to so many girls recently and now I just feel guilty. I've lied for the above reason and because I really don't want them to be crushed by rejection, because I know what it's like to be rejected. I know the girls that I've been talking to will never see this, but I just hate how I've been such an ass hole guy, and yet this is what I wanted to be a couple months ago just so I could get a girlfriend.

I've realized a lot about the workings of girls through this phase in my life. I realized that girls don't really check out guys. I found out who are psycho before meeting them. Who are going to be pretty decent. I've found out alot, yet I can't get a girlfriend, why? Because I haven't been putting myself out there. I've realized that to find someone, you go to parties, events, activities, not the mall, bowling alley. The latter places are horrible to find people because the environment isn't the "lets date" energy, it's more, let's hang with friends/bowl/watch a movie/shop.

Today, I tell all the girls what I really think, even if I loose a possible friendship along the way.

-Phil

I'm independently dependent

So life so far is been... well normal. My schedule either consists of work all day or seeing friends/ doing things I've wanted to do but never had the time to. I am still single, though down, I keep head up and I'm pretty proud that I have stayed this strong so far.

So I realized a couple nights that even though I'm over a certain someone, I still do have feelings for them. I have no idea where it came from and I really don't want them anymore. I don't know if she'll read this blog post, but whatever. I don't want them mainly because I know there's no chance, if there was, whole new story, but until then, no I don't want them at all. Now that that's done.

I've come to realize how dependent I am of things, and in turn has made me hate loneliness. I've always wanted a mentor-type figure, I've always wanted to be in a group, and I've always wanted to have a girlfriend. I realized this is another reason why I usually use the words/phrases "I guess" "I think so" "I'm not to sure but..." and its because if I am wrong, it's just me, and I doubt myself because I have no one else backing me up. I'm overcoming it by eliminating those words from my speech and to believe in myself more. If I can't believe in myself, how will I know what myself is?

Well that's all that's on my mind right now.

-Phil

"Hey, I put some new shoes on and suddenly everything's right"

-Paolo Nutini "New Shoes"

Lately I've been feeling really different, I feel like a new person. I'm doing more for me, I'm not sad anymore, I'm working out for once and getting some sort of results. It's funny now that I'm writing this all down I totally forget what I was going to say on the subject.

But one thing that has hugely helped is the book/movie "The Secret" which I now live off of on a day to day basis. In short the "secret" is the law of attraction which states that if you have a thought, you attract like physical manifestations of that thought. For example, if you have a really good day, your significant other might pick you up out of the blue. It's something that helped me get over Brittany, do better in school, being a better person. For once I can look into a mirror and say that I'm proud of myself. This law of attraction always works even when you don't think about it. Watch the movie or pick up the book, there's so much to say about that I can't even put to words.

Well, I'm pretty tired so I'm gonna go, but I'm going to start writing out blog posts on paper and writing something really good next time.

-Philippe 'Frágil'

College is finally done!

So the college semester is finally over and all the stress I had over it is finally gone. For once, the stress was just so much, I really just lost it. I did some pretty crappy things to my friends and I really feel bad about it. So, I feel that I am nearing the end of me getting over Brittany. I have basically deleted her from my life and considering I'll never see her again, it's pretty exciting, but I am feeling the aftermath of the breakup on me. I don't see girls the same way anymore, girls that I would think are hot are just alright now, or some girls that I would think would be good girlfriends I think are going to be bitches to me. It's annoying, and I'll stop blogging about it now.

So I've been writing some things down on what I want to do this summer. Here's what I have so far:

• learn Spanish
• refine my French
• work out
• train capoeira more
• start doing free running/parkour and breakdancing
• learn Brazilian Portuguese

I know it's alot, but they all have a purpose, and some work hand in hand which is really nice. I also want to find a second job. My work is cutting hours, laying people off, and so far, we're going to keep closing at 6. Since I work so little hours, I'm going to work as close as I can to full time, then get another job.

One thing I might try to do is go to France over the summer, I've been dying to go and I've never really had the money to go, so hopefully with the money I'll be able to go.

Well who knows, well I have to go for now, but you can all be rest assured that I am doing 100 times better.

Sorry about not updating

College is about to end, so I'm going to let that end, then write a big blog entry.

Past plans might become a reality...

I have no idea what I'm gonna do...

And I feel kinda find about it....

-Phil

When the door shuts, it's like another papercut...

I've been playing this song like crazy the past couple days and it's just reminding me of my last relationship and how I'm going to forget it, and yet the more I try and forget it, I learn more about it from others, and it hurts, kinda like a paper cut.

It's odd, when Brit and I were dating, I feel like there was song in the back of my mind playing, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Playing this song makes it clear, it was this song.

The stress of school and this whole "paper cut" thing is just all really starting to get to me. I am freaking out, I'm stressing more than I ever have. I just feel like I'm going to fall and never get up. I have 2 papers due on Monday, and a Java project due Tuesday and part 2 on Thursday.

On May 16th, I'm doing something that night. I just want to fucking forget this whole semester. It has brought me nothing but pain.

Well, that's it for now
-Phil

I figured it out, w00t w00t for me!

I figure out Blue's Clues! Haha, I say that once I find something out, and this is big. I had a talk with my best friend Alex today about me and drinking. It's not the first time it's come up, but for once I was enlightened by myself. I realized that I don't like my significant other to do it, is because when I see people drink, in my mind, it is degrading. I feel like they become less of a person mainly because when they drink, they get drunk, and when they get drunk, well... let's just say, I've heard mostly horror stories about drunk people. I believe this is why I don't drink, feeling as though I, myself, will become less of a person, so finally here's a resolution to my girl-drinking problem.

They have to be with a friend that I know at that party. I don't wanna get a text at mid-night saying, dude, your girl just did so and so. I also don't want to see the other person drink due to the reason in the previous paragraph, but also because I don't want to kiss someone who tastes like alcohol.

I thought I was going to get over this all by drinking, and I was... well 100% sure I was going to by the end of summer, but with this being said, hell no. I'm still going to stay the way I am, but this will at least allow me to date more people!

Torn into too many pieces.

So this break up is so hard on me, I don't know what to do. The other night after hearing about my girlfriend cheating on me, then hearing that they weren't true, then up until a couple minutes ago, believed it, I'm going insane.

This morning, I was fine, I was actually happy since the break up. I realized that, hey, if I clean up my act, maybe I can be with her again. I thought that I had a shot. If not, well then, I still could clean up my act I guess. Then, I went on to her MySpace page, because I was indeed curious to see if I was still on her top, and yes my master plan failed, and what? What's this? I was her number two when we were dating, I knew I wouldn't be there, but wait, who's there? Chris. This dick is the guy who told me she was cheating on me. He told me, they were getting back together. He is the ass who Brittany dumped for me, then as I'm assuming, dumped me for him.

I did absolutely nothing wrong. Yeah, I complain and yeah, I can get a little depressed, but if you're going to tell me that you don't want another project because that's what you had with your ex, then what makes you think going back to him is going to make life any better.

I never cheated on her, I never hurt her, I always thought of her, I did so much for her, and what do I get? This pain. This sense of, I'll never be in a stable relationship for a long period of time? This feeling that I'm not good enough?

My Birthday is tomorrow. "Fuck my Life!" I shall be saying to myself. And indeed, fuck my fucking life into eternal fucking dam-fucking-nation.

Well, here's my grand master plan.

So I've realized with the help of a break up and friends that honestly, I really do bitch about troubles in my life. I've made this plan to try and fix it. I've found that most of my time is spent sitting on my ass in front of the computer talking to people and being on MySpace/Facebook. I've decided that I'm not going to be on AIM/MySpace/Facebook and more, nor will I hang out and socialize that much, because I figured out that I hang out more and more, and I usually slack off that way. I have now four close friends: Alex, Lacey, Dan, and Brittany. I care about all 4, and these are the only people I can hang with. None of these people have flaked on me, meaning they haven't hated me for being me. More can be added, and anyone can call me or text me.

Hopefully this works, I really want to stop bitching about my life and actually do something about it. Well, I'm off, hope to blog soon!

Fuck My Life

The title says it all. She left me today. The pain, well, lets just say, I'll be feeling that for a while. Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind. I probably won't do it. But it just looks so good right now. I'm going my friend Alex's after work about this. I really don't want work. I just... *sigh* don't know anything anymore. I think I'm just not going to date anymore. That seems like a great lonely plan. Girls just... *sigh* fuck my life up.

Why of all people me?

Out of all the people in the world, why do I have to be the one who is so, as I call it, scared of drinking and alcohol? It gets to the point where it affects relationships that I'm in, and I'm getting sick of it. I don't know what to do. My girlfriend dropped the whole drinking thing when we started dating, which is great, but I know she wants to still drink, she has told me this. To me, it kills me, and makes me want make her stop for the sake that it is stupid, not for me. I just don't understand it at all. *sigh* I hate this! Just... make it go away...

I don't even know what I'm like this either. I never had an abusive drunken mother/father. The only solution is the 9 years I was enslaved at St.Mary's Elementary School. I just want it gone...

A Solution to the Brithday Problem

I really wondered why I hated my birthday. I mean, yeah, I've never really felt that special, nor have I felt that awesome that people should celebrate a day of me, but I think I found out why. Last year was my 18th brithday, and what do I have to show for it, nothing. I can still remember I wanted to do this whole entire speech at my birthday dinner, that my friends would be at. All eyes would be on me, but no. It was like every family dinner, everyone collaborated at the table, and they all had their conversations; there I was left with my and my girlfriend at the time. No words really exchanged with me, my small eager attempts to converse with someone, which turns out to be a small exchange of words and that was it. Then the eyes were on me for the cake and the presents, and that's it. Nothing after that. All I did was take my girlfriend out for a walk on the beach and then a couple hours later took her home.

Would I want to try to do that this year? No. Why? That was for when I was 18. 18 is a huge milestone for my life, 19 - that's nothing. 19 is just another year. I know this year my friends are going to do something for me. It's funny, I had to be told to take off of work because of what they planned. But, it's like, I don't want it because I feel like it's out of pity, it's because I said something about it. And yet, I do, I think, because it's about me, and well... I feel like I'll like it, whatever it is. I'm just afraid I might be in a shitty mood that day.

A note to my small number of readers...

I know most of you don't have blogger.com accounts, but that's fine, you can all still leave comments with your name on it, so please feel free to comment my blogs.

My Birthday...woo hoo?

So last night was a hell of a night for me. I was up for quite a while mainly because I was... well, I hate to admit it, but depressed. What sparked it, was something quite odd, my birthday. I never really did anything for my birthday, besides a family dinner with, surprise, surprise, my family and whoever I'm dating at that point in time. I never really had anything special done, and even writing about it brings me down about it. I hate it, I never really have had a "good" birthday, ususally it just passes and the end. A day that I should be like really happy about, I'm not. This year I'm turning 19, what a big whoop, nothing is going to change. I'm now so used to this feeling of feeling like crap around my birthday that I really don't want to do anything, nor do I really want anything from anyone, but I know that won't fly with my parents.

I know if my girlfriend reads this, she won't be all that happy about this post. She got upset about it last night and I felt even more horrible. She wants to do something special for my birthday, and it's like, "Awesome? I guess?" I'm just not used to someone being all like, "Hey, we're going to do something awesome for you birthday this year." Even my best friends havn't really done anything for me, and since every year I'm like "Ugh, another birthday." This is definatly breaking "tradition".

I don't know what to do. It's like I can't help this feeling of crap about it; I want to feel really good about this, but I don't want to feel good about it. I hate my emotions, they never really work for me. *sigh* What is wrong with me? My girlfriend has been telling me that I should really go see someone, but I don't really want to for a number of reasons. First and foremost I don't want to tell my parents, that would be horrible. Second, I feel like I'm making it all up in my head for attention. Third, if I had a friend to talk to about this, I'd be fine, and no, not a girlfriend, I'm talking a best-friend, because for personal reasons. Forth, I can get over this without a shrink.

Well I have class to get to, I'll post something else later, and hopefully it's more enlightening.

-Frágil

Enjoying the new layout?

I was getting tired of the layout that I had and I chose this one because since I'm going to be posting "food for thought" it was a contemporary background for like looking at life or something, I don't know how to explain it. I don't really have anything good to post at this late hour, mainly because my brain feels fried at the current moment. Maybe I'll have something tomorrow, I don't know, but don't count on it.

Long time, no talk?

Besides the odd grammar of the title's English expression, I'm gravely sorry for not posting on this, life has been pretty hectic. With college, work, trying to get a new job, and girlfriends (broke up with one, and got with another), it's been pretty busy around my neck of the woods.

So I've been pondering about writing a book or a journal about my ideas. I got the idea from this movie, "Bic Smeckler's Book of Cool Ideas" and it was about this guy, Bic, who wrote a compilation of great philosophers' ideas and his own ideas in this notebook which he called "The Book" and the notebook gets stolen by this college girl, who when she reads it drastically changes her life, and from her, it gets passed along, and soon people at the college have read it, and everyone is just so "blown away" by it, and it just changes the social norm. I've been told I've had some pretty cool ideas, and I never really have been quite collected about it. Maybe I should start writing some on here? I think that'd be cool. What do you think?

Also I've been looking up on Google, Google's new phone, Android, it isn't out yet, but when it does it'll probably rock the iPhone. The one thing I'm really interested about it is that it's 100% open source, which means you can edit it however you want. You can modify all the settings and all. Did I mention the Android is going to be available on ALL NETWORKS? But the one thing that is really attracting me is the fact that Google released tools for programmers to work with, so for someone like me can make programs for the phone, and get a small dose of real world programming.

Well that's about it that's on my mind...

College has started back up!

I currently go to Anne Arundel Community College (AACC) and classes have finally started back up; I am finally not bored! Here's my schedule for this semester:

Monday -Wednesday - Friday
9:00 - 9:50 Comp. and Intro. to Lit
10:40 - 11:50 Calculus 1
1:00 - 1:50 American Sign Language 1

Tuesday - Thursday
1:00 - 3:10 Programming in Java 2

It could of been worse, but I personally don't like the setup but that's what I get for registering just a tad bit late...

So far my teachers seem pretty cool, my English teacher seems like she's going to be just a bit tough and my Programming teacher seems a little old fashion, maybe it's her 90 year old looks that make me think this.

I've realized how much I miss college. I love the fact of learning something new and I'm seeing all my old friends again, man it feels good. Also, I'm probably going to make new friends which is a great thing to look forward. One thing that I particularly like is the fact that there's a lot of cute girls in my classes, so hopefully I'll end my singleness with either one of them, or at least make a new friend, but the former seems A LOT more awesome.

This year I'm not going to get any C's and I'm going to rock the crap out of my classes. That's official. I'm tired of getting mediocure grades and feeling unintelligent. I can't wait for this year to be over and to feel awesome. Until next time!

-Frágil.

New Year's Resolutions!

So I might as well put my New Year's Resolution so I can atleast not have mental note like last year. The one thing I hate about doing Resolutions is that, for me atleast I want to have a high bar so it will make me strive to get up there, and I think for once this is the year that I will do it, why? I am confident for once, I just am a different person, inside an out. I'm doing thing off-hand by the way, so don't think I've prepared them somewhere else, that hasn't changed about me yet. So here it is:

New Year's Resolution
1) To start working out or excerising more, I know I'm not going to be going up to UMBC for classes as much as I would like, so I need to kick my ass this year and start doing some at home or at the college.
2) Expand my French and get an accent when speaking French, I'm tired of being the average American trying to speak French, I want to have that accent dammit!
3) Pick up Brazillian Portuguese?
4) Learn atleast one song on the piano a month, ever since my piano teacher died, I havn't been playing very much, so in his memory and for the joy of playing, I will learn a song a month to expand my piano abilities.
5) Keep this Blog? I would like to keep it on going, but I would need some more visitors so I wouldn't be doing it just for the sake of doing it.
6) Keep my Capoeira blog going, I have a blog dedicated to what I learn in Capoeira, Frágil's Capoeira, and I want to have some visitors, if you know it or don't I think you should check it out and see what I got, I know it's not much, but I can add more of one thing over another if that is what my viewers want.
7) Go to more Capoeira events, and capoeirista is not a capoeirista if he/she doesn't go to events, how else do we learn?

Is this to high of a bar for the year? Any tips people?