So last night was a hell of a night for me. I was up for quite a while mainly because I was... well, I hate to admit it, but depressed. What sparked it, was something quite odd, my birthday. I never really did anything for my birthday, besides a family dinner with, surprise, surprise, my family and whoever I'm dating at that point in time. I never really had anything special done, and even writing about it brings me down about it. I hate it, I never really have had a "good" birthday, ususally it just passes and the end. A day that I should be like really happy about, I'm not. This year I'm turning 19, what a big whoop, nothing is going to change. I'm now so used to this feeling of feeling like crap around my birthday that I really don't want to do anything, nor do I really want anything from anyone, but I know that won't fly with my parents.
I know if my girlfriend reads this, she won't be all that happy about this post. She got upset about it last night and I felt even more horrible. She wants to do something special for my birthday, and it's like, "Awesome? I guess?" I'm just not used to someone being all like, "Hey, we're going to do something awesome for you birthday this year." Even my best friends havn't really done anything for me, and since every year I'm like "Ugh, another birthday." This is definatly breaking "tradition".
I don't know what to do. It's like I can't help this feeling of crap about it; I want to feel really good about this, but I don't want to feel good about it. I hate my emotions, they never really work for me. *sigh* What is wrong with me? My girlfriend has been telling me that I should really go see someone, but I don't really want to for a number of reasons. First and foremost I don't want to tell my parents, that would be horrible. Second, I feel like I'm making it all up in my head for attention. Third, if I had a friend to talk to about this, I'd be fine, and no, not a girlfriend, I'm talking a best-friend, because for personal reasons. Forth, I can get over this without a shrink.
Well I have class to get to, I'll post something else later, and hopefully it's more enlightening.
-Frágil
1 comments:
Dude, don't sweat the birthday stuff. Let me tell you about my past birthdays.
15- My birthday party was a few weeks after my two best friends started dating, one whom I really really really liked.
16-My best friend at the time dropped a HUGE bombshell on me two days before my birthday.
17-I got drunk and high with my friends and they took over my party and ignored me and I cried half the night.
18-I only had one friend. No joke. And she lives in Baltimore so I barely saw her. I spent my night at the karate school.
19-I had strep throat and the flu. I had just gotten home from England and I was so depressed about being home. Also, it was nearing the end of Jimmy and I so that sucked.
I'm notorious for having bad birthdays so don't sweat it, for real. Fuck birthdays. We can have an anti-birthday party.
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