I figured it out, w00t w00t for me!

I figure out Blue's Clues! Haha, I say that once I find something out, and this is big. I had a talk with my best friend Alex today about me and drinking. It's not the first time it's come up, but for once I was enlightened by myself. I realized that I don't like my significant other to do it, is because when I see people drink, in my mind, it is degrading. I feel like they become less of a person mainly because when they drink, they get drunk, and when they get drunk, well... let's just say, I've heard mostly horror stories about drunk people. I believe this is why I don't drink, feeling as though I, myself, will become less of a person, so finally here's a resolution to my girl-drinking problem.

They have to be with a friend that I know at that party. I don't wanna get a text at mid-night saying, dude, your girl just did so and so. I also don't want to see the other person drink due to the reason in the previous paragraph, but also because I don't want to kiss someone who tastes like alcohol.

I thought I was going to get over this all by drinking, and I was... well 100% sure I was going to by the end of summer, but with this being said, hell no. I'm still going to stay the way I am, but this will at least allow me to date more people!

Torn into too many pieces.

So this break up is so hard on me, I don't know what to do. The other night after hearing about my girlfriend cheating on me, then hearing that they weren't true, then up until a couple minutes ago, believed it, I'm going insane.

This morning, I was fine, I was actually happy since the break up. I realized that, hey, if I clean up my act, maybe I can be with her again. I thought that I had a shot. If not, well then, I still could clean up my act I guess. Then, I went on to her MySpace page, because I was indeed curious to see if I was still on her top, and yes my master plan failed, and what? What's this? I was her number two when we were dating, I knew I wouldn't be there, but wait, who's there? Chris. This dick is the guy who told me she was cheating on me. He told me, they were getting back together. He is the ass who Brittany dumped for me, then as I'm assuming, dumped me for him.

I did absolutely nothing wrong. Yeah, I complain and yeah, I can get a little depressed, but if you're going to tell me that you don't want another project because that's what you had with your ex, then what makes you think going back to him is going to make life any better.

I never cheated on her, I never hurt her, I always thought of her, I did so much for her, and what do I get? This pain. This sense of, I'll never be in a stable relationship for a long period of time? This feeling that I'm not good enough?

My Birthday is tomorrow. "Fuck my Life!" I shall be saying to myself. And indeed, fuck my fucking life into eternal fucking dam-fucking-nation.

Well, here's my grand master plan.

So I've realized with the help of a break up and friends that honestly, I really do bitch about troubles in my life. I've made this plan to try and fix it. I've found that most of my time is spent sitting on my ass in front of the computer talking to people and being on MySpace/Facebook. I've decided that I'm not going to be on AIM/MySpace/Facebook and more, nor will I hang out and socialize that much, because I figured out that I hang out more and more, and I usually slack off that way. I have now four close friends: Alex, Lacey, Dan, and Brittany. I care about all 4, and these are the only people I can hang with. None of these people have flaked on me, meaning they haven't hated me for being me. More can be added, and anyone can call me or text me.

Hopefully this works, I really want to stop bitching about my life and actually do something about it. Well, I'm off, hope to blog soon!

Fuck My Life

The title says it all. She left me today. The pain, well, lets just say, I'll be feeling that for a while. Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind. I probably won't do it. But it just looks so good right now. I'm going my friend Alex's after work about this. I really don't want work. I just... *sigh* don't know anything anymore. I think I'm just not going to date anymore. That seems like a great lonely plan. Girls just... *sigh* fuck my life up.

Why of all people me?

Out of all the people in the world, why do I have to be the one who is so, as I call it, scared of drinking and alcohol? It gets to the point where it affects relationships that I'm in, and I'm getting sick of it. I don't know what to do. My girlfriend dropped the whole drinking thing when we started dating, which is great, but I know she wants to still drink, she has told me this. To me, it kills me, and makes me want make her stop for the sake that it is stupid, not for me. I just don't understand it at all. *sigh* I hate this! Just... make it go away...

I don't even know what I'm like this either. I never had an abusive drunken mother/father. The only solution is the 9 years I was enslaved at St.Mary's Elementary School. I just want it gone...

A Solution to the Brithday Problem

I really wondered why I hated my birthday. I mean, yeah, I've never really felt that special, nor have I felt that awesome that people should celebrate a day of me, but I think I found out why. Last year was my 18th brithday, and what do I have to show for it, nothing. I can still remember I wanted to do this whole entire speech at my birthday dinner, that my friends would be at. All eyes would be on me, but no. It was like every family dinner, everyone collaborated at the table, and they all had their conversations; there I was left with my and my girlfriend at the time. No words really exchanged with me, my small eager attempts to converse with someone, which turns out to be a small exchange of words and that was it. Then the eyes were on me for the cake and the presents, and that's it. Nothing after that. All I did was take my girlfriend out for a walk on the beach and then a couple hours later took her home.

Would I want to try to do that this year? No. Why? That was for when I was 18. 18 is a huge milestone for my life, 19 - that's nothing. 19 is just another year. I know this year my friends are going to do something for me. It's funny, I had to be told to take off of work because of what they planned. But, it's like, I don't want it because I feel like it's out of pity, it's because I said something about it. And yet, I do, I think, because it's about me, and well... I feel like I'll like it, whatever it is. I'm just afraid I might be in a shitty mood that day.

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My Birthday...woo hoo?

So last night was a hell of a night for me. I was up for quite a while mainly because I was... well, I hate to admit it, but depressed. What sparked it, was something quite odd, my birthday. I never really did anything for my birthday, besides a family dinner with, surprise, surprise, my family and whoever I'm dating at that point in time. I never really had anything special done, and even writing about it brings me down about it. I hate it, I never really have had a "good" birthday, ususally it just passes and the end. A day that I should be like really happy about, I'm not. This year I'm turning 19, what a big whoop, nothing is going to change. I'm now so used to this feeling of feeling like crap around my birthday that I really don't want to do anything, nor do I really want anything from anyone, but I know that won't fly with my parents.

I know if my girlfriend reads this, she won't be all that happy about this post. She got upset about it last night and I felt even more horrible. She wants to do something special for my birthday, and it's like, "Awesome? I guess?" I'm just not used to someone being all like, "Hey, we're going to do something awesome for you birthday this year." Even my best friends havn't really done anything for me, and since every year I'm like "Ugh, another birthday." This is definatly breaking "tradition".

I don't know what to do. It's like I can't help this feeling of crap about it; I want to feel really good about this, but I don't want to feel good about it. I hate my emotions, they never really work for me. *sigh* What is wrong with me? My girlfriend has been telling me that I should really go see someone, but I don't really want to for a number of reasons. First and foremost I don't want to tell my parents, that would be horrible. Second, I feel like I'm making it all up in my head for attention. Third, if I had a friend to talk to about this, I'd be fine, and no, not a girlfriend, I'm talking a best-friend, because for personal reasons. Forth, I can get over this without a shrink.

Well I have class to get to, I'll post something else later, and hopefully it's more enlightening.

-Frágil

Enjoying the new layout?

I was getting tired of the layout that I had and I chose this one because since I'm going to be posting "food for thought" it was a contemporary background for like looking at life or something, I don't know how to explain it. I don't really have anything good to post at this late hour, mainly because my brain feels fried at the current moment. Maybe I'll have something tomorrow, I don't know, but don't count on it.